Break the Pattern

October 2024 - Picture Lake, Artist Point

Photo Credit : Nair Fotografia

I have a confession.

Even I didn't see my pattern until it became too painful to ignore.

That is the TRUTH.

This photograph are much like the mirrors we need to break our patterns…you have to be still to see and also the inner mountain you must climb to break it.

For all the reflection, all the awareness, all the inner work, there were still parts of me I could not see clearly until life held up a mirror I could no longer look away from.

It shattered my mirror, my relfection, the version of me that I could no longer be. It was too painful to remain the same.

There are mirrors everywhere.

In the people we love.

In the conversations that trigger us.

In the patterns we swear we’re done with but somehow find ourselves in again and again.

And yet, most of us don’t pause long enough to ask the deeper questions.

We stay moving.

Busy.

Distracted.

Sometimes in full chaos.

Sometimes in a performative version of “health” where we are constantly doing, constantly striving, constantly filling every space with activity.

Because slowing down actually means we have to see it and feel it.

Why do I do this?

Where did this come from?

When did this start?

Why do I keep sabotaging myself ---even when I know better?

Does it bring me peace?

Does it bring me out of alignment to who I want to be?

Do I actually radiate sukha staying in the same old pattern?

I have firey friends that tell me "you overgive and it's a trauma response".

Wait what?

I thought it's caring to give, help and be compassionate.

And to be fair, sometimes it is... until you betray and abandon yourself.

But deep down when I paused and reflected I knew they were right.

Because there is a difference between giving from overflow and giving from fear.

There is a difference between compassion and self-abandonment.

Some patterns are so ingrained in us and we have accepted that's just how we are and stopped questioning them, we even labeled it "part of my personality".

But is it really? Why does it hurt my chest? Why does it bring pain?

Or is it who we learned to become in order to survive?

The nerd in me had to go deeper into the why.

And what I found is that our deepest and most painful patterns often trace back to core wounds like these and often from childhood:

• Abandonment

• Betrayal

• Rejection

• Grief and loss

• Feeling unsafe or separate

• Unworthiness

• Shame

• Neglect

• Abuse

These are not just words.

They are my lived experiences.They are moments that left an imprint in my soul. They are the places where we made silent decisions about who we had to be in order to stay connected, stay safe, stay wanted, to be chosen or stay loved and for many TO SURVIVE.

And those decisions do not just disappear.

They become patterns.They become coping strategies.They become identities.

Until one day, the pain of staying the same becomes louder than the fear of changing.

That is often when the real healing begins.

Resources That Helped Me Break the Pattern

I want to share some of the things that actually helped me.

Not all of them required me to talk everything out or relive every detail.

I already knew something was off, losing my shit non-stop. The excruciating heaviness that I can't find the words for. I could feel the effects of the pattern but still didn't see. I could see how it was showing up in my life. What I wanted was relief. A way to process it. A way to shift it without staying stuck in the story. This created space until I was finally "strong" enough to face it and my consciousness saw the pattern.

These were some of the modalities that supported me:

CIMBS (Complex Integration of Multiple Brain Systems)This works with multiple parts of the brain at once, helping to integrate patterns rather than just analyze them. It supports rewiring at a deeper level so you are not just aware of the pattern, you actually begin to respond differently. It also releases somatically the pain or trauma even if you don't know what it is.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)This helps the brain process unresolved experiences so they stop feeling as charged. Instead of being stuck in the emotional intensity, the memory becomes something you can hold without it taking over your nervous system.

Body CodeThis focuses on identifying and releasing trapped emotional energy held in the body. It helped me access patterns that were not always conscious, but were still influencing how I felt and responded.

Body Mind BridgeThis approach connects physical symptoms and emotional patterns. It helped me understand how the body holds onto stress, fear, and old programming, and how to gently shift those connections.

Coming Back to Yourself

The patterns were never random.They were trying to protect something.

But what once kept me safe… was now keeping me stuck.

Sometimes "safe" is not even yours.

It’s a learned pattern passed down, something your brain holds onto because staying the same feels safer than change.

And I had a choice.

Keep repeating what felt familiar. Or pause, see it clearly, and choose differently.

Because you can’t radiate sukha while abandoning or betraying yourself inside patterns you’ve outgrown.

Sukha isn’t something you chase.It’s what’s left when you stop fighting yourself… and start choosing yourself.